The Girls | Glass City Rollers

Pamazon

7’9”

Born deep in the Amazon Jungle to the Amazon King & Queen, Princess Pam was the pride and joy of all of the villagers. She was raised to one day take over for her parents and rule the Amazon. That is, until a pack of wild women known as the Glass City Rollers came into the jungle and kidnapped her. They stole her for her size, strength, and speed to be used in a little game they call Roller Derby. Now Princess Pam calls Toledo her home; the GCR her family; and is known as: PAMAZON: The Roller Derby Queen.

Favorite Movie-Attack of the 50 ft Woman
Day Job-Stocking the top shelves at a store near you.
Secret Move-The Ankle Breaker
Stats: Height-7’9, Shoe Size-14

Beefy Vanderhuge

MST3000

Originally designed to be a “companion” droid for their friend Mike, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot manufactured Beefy Vanderhuge in the dead of the night and initiated her systems for Mike's birthday. Without realizing their superior skills, they managed to make a being that was actually too much woman for Mike to handle. In order to find a more appealing lifestyle Beefy managed to build a pod to escape from her birthplace – the Satellite of Love. Leaving the others behind to rot, she proceeded to earth to fulfill her dream of joining a country club and marrying rich. Upon arriving on earth she has hit some bumps, but her hopes are still high. Beefy is currently working as a beer girl at the local golf course where she also picks up the occasional “date” with some middle management types with receding hairlines.

How did you choose your name? My name was chosen for me. You can't expect much when you're built by robots with such original names as Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.
What penalty is most likely the one to send you to the box? Is leaking viscous fluids on the track a penalty?
Likes: money, WD-40, a well made tool
Dislikes: rain, young millionaires
Personal stats: I enjoy long walks in the junk yard, 10W-30, magnetic poetry. Chumps and poor people need not apply.

Punk Monkey

Punk Monkey was born into slavery in the Amazon and forced to wait on the Pamazon Princess, hand and [rather large] foot, until one day they were kidnapped by the GCR. Once in Toledo, Punk Monkey was finally free to dominate the underground music scene as well as the competition on the track. From swinging through the trees to slinging elbows—Punk Monkey is no one’s slave!

Best Injury: Busted tail
Favorite penalty: whippin’ crap on the track
Likes: bananas, copulating in captivity, and your mom
Dislikes: other primates and musak.

Satan’s Little Helper

666

Once one of Santa’s hardest workin’ helpers this former good elf turned bad sold her soul for a pair of Reidel Wickeds. Traveling from the North Pole to the bowels of hell this evil elf annihilates then competition on the track. Who knew that much evil could dwell inside a 5’ nuthin frame?

Favorite Penalty-Pitchfork to the face
How did you get your name? It was in the contract I signed when I got the skates.
Favorite quote: “Set thou a wicked man over him: and let Satan stand at his right hand.”

Crabby Patty

#86

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Ummmm…..Not Crabby Patty! Born the bastard child of a peg-legged pirate and sea wench, she began earning a living swabbing decks and escorting seamen down-under. Once she was too old to earn her keep, she was sold to the Glass City Rollers for a bottle of rum, yo ho ho! Ever since it’s been skates instead of sea legs for the notorious Crabby Patty

How did you choose your name? – When you are surly, ill-tempered, and crusty as I am, what else could people call you?
Dislikes-oranges, screwdrivers, pans, bingo, shoes, cat food, sawdust, bubble wrap, ceiling fans.
First loves-Thora A Xena and Marco Polo
Dinner with three people-Captain Morgan, Moby Dick, and Davey Jones

Kapie-Ass Kandie

480

Kapie-Ass Candy was born a multi-billion dollar heiress. At age 5, Kapie witnessed the brutal slaying of her parents and younger brother by drug lords that had been released on bond. At 12, she exacted revenge by infiltrating the drug ring that killed her family, stripped them of their flesh and fed their organs to the beasts of the everglades. Revenge being hers, Kapie decided to dedicate her life to fighting crime. She became a police officer but became disillusioned with the rampant moral perversion in the world of cops. Striking out on her own, she is now a bounty hunter. She mercilessly hunts bond–jumpers by using her feminine wiles and intellect. She’s the Pied Piper of the morally corrupt, using her body instead of the flute to bring those running from the law to her own form of justice.

Likes-Handguns, hand-cuffs.
Dislikes-Rule breakers, properly fitted attire, and chastity belts

Moxie Morbid

B12

GCR found Moxie Morbid sitting on on a curb covered in blood with a roll of duct tape in one hand and a very angry, very injured cat in the other. “A car broke him,” she said, “but I fixed him! And look, if I move his leg like this, you can see his bone in there!”

Watching her wrestle that angry kitty, they knew then that she was just deranged enough to fit right in. It wasn't long before she was causing more injuries on the track than her duct tape could fix.

In addition to duct tape, Moxie likes gallows humor, alliteration, barbequed tofu, happy little trees, and lancing a good ripe abscess. She hates broken fingernails, mean people who kick puppies, and that icky sound that bare skin makes when it slides across a slick floor.

Frieda Fisteekuffs

3-13

Frieda started out in the Black Forest of Germany. By the time Frieda was a teenager she happened to develop what one would call a seriously bad attitude. During recess at school, one of her classmates always ended up at the bad end of Frieda’s Fists which always ended her up in some serious doo-do. After being a repeat offender in the schoolyard, Frieda was sent to a reform school for girls. As time passed, Frieda was introduced to Derby as a way to get out her aggressions and learn how to be a good sport. She has skated ever since….

Likes-Keg beer and brass knuckles
Favorite Food-Brats and Schnitzel
Favorite Past Time-Chopping wood and hand crafting cuckoo clocks
Day Job-Works in a pickling factory specializing in beets, eggs and sauerkraut.
Secret Move-Lederhosen sling

Lightn’ Strike

Twice

Lightn’ strikes…twice! It’s not just a Molly Hatchett album anymore! Lightning travels at 130,000mph and this broad on wheels is no different. She’s been weaving through packs frying the competition and unleashing a storm of epic proportions for The GCR since the very beginning. Watch out because this Lightn’ Strikes twice!

Secret weapon: Repetitive Electrocution
Likes: The feel of eyes on her ass as she passes through the pack.
Dislikes: frequent trips to the ER

No-Holds Barbie

110%

Barbie had a life that every girl dreamed of but living up to the expectations of being America’s Sweetheart finally took its toll. Sick of playing by the rules, Barbie has taken on a whole new attitude. She’s ditched her corvette for a new set of wheels…..eight to be exact. She’s moved out of the Dream House and found her new home amongst The Glass City Rollers. Don’t let her dazzling smile and perfect hair fool you, she’s out to win; and this time she’s making the rules.

Likes: the color pink, lip gloss, things that sparkle, glitter, make-up
Dislikes: breaking nails, bad hair days, runs in nylons
Most likely to be put in the box for: Really?? There are rules to this game?!? Hmmmm….
Day Job: doctor, president, veterinarian, air force fighter pilot, aerobics instructor, ballerina, police officer, astronaut, paleontologist, NASCAR driver, fashion model, and nurse…. Just to name a few
Measurements: 39”19”33”
How did you choose your name? Are you kidding… I was born to be Barbie
What does your number mean? I try to always give 110% in all I do
How has roller derby changed your life? I have a lot more bruises now!

Sally Seam Rip-Her

5/8”

The unfortunate victim of a voo doo priestess, Sally Seam Rip-Her is now doomed to skate the Earth exacting her revenge on the flat track. Following her motto of “do unto others....”, Sally prepares for each bout by gathering strands of hair from her opponents’ locker room and finishes by ripping apart the competition one seam at a time.

How did you choose your name? – When I awoke, it was already written on my ‘Hello, my name is:’ name tag.
What penalty is most likely to send you to the penalty box? – Back blocking. And biting. Mostly biting.
Secret Weapon - Bony shoulders and sewing needles poking out of my elbow pads.

Tonya Pavement

Ground Zero

Tonya can’t really call anywhere home…she has traveled the world extensively, finally settling here in Toledo. She got stuck in a round-a-bout early one morning and Miss Frieda FisteeKuffs with that ever eagle-eye recruited her on the spot. Tonya has always been a solid athlete in school and figured that Pavement and skates would be a smooth thing. She wasn’t wrong.

How has derby changed your life?-It just made it LEGAL for me to hit girls.
What penalty is most likely to send you to the penalty box? –Tripping…I love it when girls eat pavement.
Favorite Quote-“Life sucks, but Pavement hurts.”
Day job-Door to Door Saleswoman…I pound the pavement everyday.

Wendy Boughbreaks

1478

Wendy was pegged a trouble-maker at birth. When Wendy was born, the doctor smacked her ass to make sure she was breathing and she turned around and slapped him right back. From being kicked out of daycare to throwing punches in Girl Scouts, Wendy has reacted the only way she knew how—by seeking vengeance. While it may never by clear how she came to join the ranks of the elite assassins of Glass City Rollers, it is evident that Wendy doesn’t create memories, she destroys them.

How did you choose your name? – Obviously I fell out of my cradle when it was too windy one day and the bough broke.
Likes – Ruining a perfectly lovely evening, and a good Captain & Coke.
Favorite quote – “Well behaved women rarely make history.” –Ulrich

Betty Floored

Born to be a first lady, Betty lived a life of cruisin', schmoozin' and boozin'. All without ever smearing her lipstick. As a strong figure in the spotlight she made it a habit to always roll with the cool kids. Feeling a need to abuse her next substance she took a hit from the Glass City Rollers and derby has been her crutch ever since.
How did you choose your name? After my 15th consecutive visit to “the clinic” what else could my name be?
What penalty is most likely to send you to the penalty box? Tripping, I hate when my pills get stuck in other girls wheels. Fo sho.

Likes: Beers and bitches
Dislikes: warm beer and cold bitches
Favorite quote: “ONE day at a time, but TWO skates in your face”

Han Rolo

YT 1300

Long ago in a galaxy far away, a secret, forth child of Han Solo and Leia Organa Solo of the Rebel Alliance was born. When she was of age she inherited the Millennium Falcon starship from her father, thus embarking on a somewhat fruitful smuggling career. It wasn’t long before she began attracting unwanted attention from Imperial troops and greedy bounty hunters alike. While on a run for the slovenly Hutts smuggling some illegal substances, she was intercepted by a patrol of Imperial troops and had to dump some very expensive cargo, thus inciting the wrath of the Hutts and becoming indebted to the greedy bastards. She was on the run from bounty hunters when she came upon the sport of Roller Derby. She soon hocked the Millennium Falcon for a pair of super fast roller skates and found that no bounty hunter could catch up with her. She has been eluding capture ever since.

Likes-Smooth floors, sassy broads, and hyperspace travel
Dislikes-Bounty hunters, and galactic tyranny
Favorite Quote-“You’re gonna get us killed!” or “you’ll need a bounty hunter to catch me.”
Daily Job-Galactic smuggler. Available for hire

Vod-Killah

80 Proof

Once married to the infamous Godzilla, now twice divorced and remarried to the bottle. Vod-killah is a disgruntled suburban housewife and mother of seven evil spawn. She spends her days crunching the remnants of her empty Tito’s Vodka bottles into lovingly prepared casseroles. When not tipping back the 80 proof, she can be found tipping girls over on the track. Dinner is ready kids……Shut Up and Eat It!

Likes-Childbirth, drinking, neighborhood gossip
Dislikes-Parenting, cooking, kids
Most Likely Penalty-Skating drunk

Slash & Burn

977

After slashing and burning her way across America as an infamous arsonist and murderer, she was captured by Kapie Ass Kandie while cutting through Ohio. She was sentenced to 10 years of Roller Derby. Since receiving her sentence, she has been slashing up the competition and burning rubber instead of bodies.

How did you choose your name? A few of my favorite activities.
What does your number mean? 9 killed by fire, 7 slit throats, 7 stabbed to death.
Three things always in your trunk? A shovel, rubber gloves, box of matches.
Dinner with three people…The Boston Strangler, Jack the Ripper, Jim Morrison